A self-care app with a bodyguard

Piss Ballz:
Weird wellness.

Tiny goals. One feral pet.

Ballz is an angry little ball in sneakers — furious at the world, completely devoted to you. The deal is simple: you look after yourself, and it goes out and handles things.

Download on theApp Store Android — not yet

Free · iPhone · iOS 17No accountNo ads or tracking

Ballz, the Piss Ballz pet: a glossy white ball with a yellow splat down its head, gritted teeth, white fists and black sneakers. PRESSURE · 100/100 +2 drips ready for a Rollout

Why it's weird

Traditional self-care feels like a chore. Piss Ballz makes it a game you actually want to play.

The goal has to be humiliatingly small

"Meditate for 20 minutes" is a wall. "Drink a glass of water" is a door. Small goals get started, and started is the only part that is hard.

The reward has to arrive now

Habits stick when the payoff lands in the same minute. Tick something off and the Drips fly into the counter while you are still looking.

Something else has to need you

People who will not get out of bed for themselves will get out of bed for a creature that is visibly falling apart without them.

How it works

Four steps, then it starts again.

STEP 01

Five small goals

Drink a glass of water. Make the bed. Leave the building. Text someone back. Small on purpose — add more once you've done these.

STEP 02

Finishing them is fuel

Goals earn Drips and Pressure. Drips buy things. Pressure is what sends Ballz out of the door.

STEP 03

Ballz goes on a Rollout

Gone a few hours. Comes home with a story, a payout and absolutely no remorse. You make the calls along the way.

STEP 04

It grows

Keep it up and Ballz moves up through five stages. Earned, never bought — there is no way to pay your way past this.

The app itself

Three screens, zero friction.

● Real captures · iPhone · version 1.1
The home screen: Ballz standing on a beach with its Pressure and Drips counters above the day's goals.
Home Where it lives Pressure, Drips and whatever Ballz has to say about the hour you're keeping. One tap to the smallest thing left.
The goals screen, showing the day's quests and a handful of small goals with their rewards.
Goals Tiny goals 42 ready-made goals or write your own, with per-goal reminders. Nothing on the list is a project.
A choice mid-Rollout: the scooter kid came back with two friends, and the options are Hold the sidewalk or BETTER TAKE COVER.
Rollout The part you spend it on Illustrated destinations with real choices. Hold the sidewalk, or BETTER TAKE COVER™ — both pay.

What's inside

Three things keep him alive.

Micro-habits

Tiny goals, big dopamine

Every cleared goal pays in Drips and Pressure the moment you tick it. Stop feeding him and the whole thing visibly deflates — far more motivating than a number going grey.

MonA week of ticking things off
Rough week

Zero judgment, max attitude

Flip on Rough week and Rollouts cost half as much while your streak holds where it is. It switches itself off after seven days. Nothing asks why.

Morning check-inThe mood you log changes how the app treats you that day. Log a rough one and it stops asking for much.
StreaksForgiveness is built in. One bad week does not wipe the board.
The principleEvery cautious choice pays the same as the bold one. If the advice is BETTER TAKE COVER™, charging you for taking it would be strange.
Progress

Feral progress

Check-ins and your pet's growth sit on one timeline, so you can see the thing nobody tells you: the weeks that felt like nothing was happening are the weeks the line moved. Five stages, earned, never bought.

5.03.01.0 Wk 1Wk 6Wk 12 DROPLETMARBLEBOULDER
1Dropletstart
2Marbleearned
3Boulderearned
4Two more after thatkeep going

Your data stays yours

No account. No server of ours.

01No sign-up, no login, no email required to use the app.
02No analytics, no ads, no tracking, no third-party SDKs watching you.
03What you write stays on your device. Your goals, check-ins, mood and journal are never published to anyone.
04Friends is the one feature that shares anything, and it is off until you turn it on. It publishes three things — your Ballz's name, your streak, its stage — to whoever you hand your code to.
05Drips are earned, never bought. There are cosmetic packs, but everything in them is still buyable with Drips at the price it always had.

The privacy policy has the detail.

One honest note

This is a habit tracker with a face on it. It is not therapy, it doesn't know how you're really doing, and it can't help in an emergency. Crisis lines live one tap away in Settings → Getting help, whether or not anything is wrong — findahelpline.com covers over 130 countries.